Morning, it’s 04:39 in London right now, and I’ve been anxious the whole day, so I can’t sleep. It’s this feeling of constant fear almost, like something bad will happen, it’s like my body is preparing for self-preservation. It’s very difficult to explain.
Why? I don’t know, but I have an idea. So, I went on a date with this girl, and she’s really nice, kind and attractive. She’s the first girl I’ve actually been on a date with, properly. We appear to have gotten on quite well, and it went well, I think.
My issue is that, she’s really nice and because I’ve been lonely for so long, having this connection, it fucks you up. It’s difficult to explain, because I really like her, but I also know she’s gone on dates with other people, and she’s been really open about it.
We exchanged phone numbers, and she seemed genuinely interesting in hanging out again. But because of the aforementioned, I think it might’ve been an act. I’m generally a very trusting person, I try not to get too close to people, because they will likely fuck me over, as people have in the past, but I can’t help it.
Honestly, I hope to see her again, whether as a friend or as something more.
So… I think this might be the reason for my anxiety, this thought that I might not see her again, someone I found actually interesting and genuine, and someone I could actually connect with after a long period of thinking I’m useless and will end up alone. I suppose I’m just saying that I don’t want to end up alone, because I find it difficult to connect with people.
I’ll leave you with an embed of “Wake Me Up When September Ends” by Green Day. The music video is wholesome and sad at the same time, I’ve been listening to it a lot today, I don’t know why.